Cooperation Bootcamp :: Reboot

Some things started to slip away (cooperation and quiet voices to name a few!), so this week is a reboot edition. Two days in and things are already looking up.

You know how kids are stubborn and think if they ask just one more time, they'll get their way? Well, if you go a whole day showing them that you are even more stubborn... Well, in our case, it gets significantly better. And I'm good at that whole stubborn thing.

It's getting better. (For example, we had more cuddles in the past two days than all of last week combined.) School is starting soon and it's really important that we have these things worked out. It takes consistency and stubbornness.

Today, the kids painted. We had craft paints, not real finger paints. Still, it was a lot of fun. I covered the table with trash bags and let them pick from the four available colors.

Messy hands, messy house, messy bathtub for me to clean up now... But I love their art!

Cooperation Bootcamp Part III :: A Few Tactics

1. What do we do when we don't get our way? Say "OK" and walk away!

Bea's main behavioral issue is responding with anger when she doesn't get her way. She is four years old, so her mouth never, ever stops. I get about 5,000 question hurdled at me every hour. At least. And a lot of those are outrageous requests. She wants to take the orange juice in the bath, for example. Or take the sofa cushions in the backyard to make a boat in the garden. Stuff like that. And she gets really mad, like screaming and turning red mad when I say no. 

So this tactic included a little incentive the first few days. We don't have to use the incentive very much now, but I always keep some goldfish on hand just in case. When I say no, she says "ok" and she walks away. I made up the sing-songy rhyme above and made a game of it. By the second day, she got the idea. (The great thing about 4 year olds is that they really do have something else to walk away to at any given moment.)

2. Control yourself and try again.

The kids have this terrible way of screaming what they want instead of asking politely. They'll scream it over and over waiting to get whatever it is they want. Do all kids go through this? Where do they get it? Not from their parents.

Anyway, I don't respond to screamed or yelled demands. I respond to polite, reasonable requests. So when they do the yelling thing, I quietly say, "Control yourself and try again." And they do.

3. The next tactic is turning around a negative situation by using humour. This is my number one, go-to tactic. I think my main talent in this life is making children laugh. Mine especially. I can make them go from crying in anger and frustration to tears of excited joy in seconds. I love it! This only works if it is done respectfully. I don't want my kids to feel mocked when they are down! After all, I'm on their team!

*helpful hint if you try this at home: know where they keep their tickles.* 

4. Listen.

9 times out of 10 when my kids are fighting or tantrum-ing, it is because of a misunderstanding or miscommunication. The easiest way to solve it is to get down there at eye level and get them to talk through it, be an active listener, repeat it back. Then I explain to them or show them how to solve the issue. 

4. Safe places.

Bea and Am each have places they hide on our house (and yard when we're outside) when they need a quick escape. I like to encourage this. If they didn't run off and cool down, I'd have to put them in "time out" or a "naughty chair" as Supernanny says. I prefer a self-imposed get-away to a safe place. They'll rejoin the group when they are ready to participate. Of course, if I can tell there are issues we need to discuss, I go to them. But I do not disrespect the sanctity of their safe place. I talk to them from a reasonable distance. (If this feels too new-agey or politically correct, don't use it. But it works for us. So.)

5. Picking Battles.

This means that I have to really examine myself and see if what I am expecting or requiring is necessary. Sometimes, I have to just be real with myself and check my expectations at the door baby gate. I read a helpful blog post about dividing your activities between stuff you can reasonably do when the kids are up and stuff you have to save for naps. When I actually do this, things go a lot smoother.

6. Hugging.

Sometimes when the kids lose it, I lose it too. Nothing can push me over the edge like the incessant screams of my own children. And when I feel my blood rising, it is so much better to just stop whatever we are doing and cuddle on the couch until we all cool down. It works really, really well.

When not to use this: If the child does not want to be touched, I respect that.

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These are the main things I use. But I also use a lot of the stuff on this list. It's better to link you to it than be redundant. I recommend bookmarking that. 

So there is another parent in our house and he has his own set of useful tactics. I'll try to get him to do a post here. 

If you have more tips to recommend, PLEASE SHARE! 

Cooperation Bootcamp Part II :: Biblical Non-Violent Parenting

"Train up a child in the way he should go: 

and when he is old he will not depart from it." 

Proverb 22:6

I think about this verse a lot. And when I do, I think about what kind of adults I hope my children will be someday. I want them to be independent (so they don't rely on any crutch– including me!), self-disciplined (so they are able to accomplish anything they set their minds to), cooperative (so they function well with others and know how to communicate effectively and compassionately) and non-violent (so they practice the humility and grace of Christ in all their relationships).

When I think of these values, the daily struggles look a little different. Obedience and submission aren't as important as they may seem in the moment (say, in the grocery store or when my mama pops by and the kids become hellions).

In fact, raising them to be submissive and obedient could very well undermine my higher purpose! If I want them to be independent and cooperative, it would be silly to train them to accept authority unquestioningly (for the record, I haven't found this to lead to robot adults, just to rebellious teens and later pathless adults). If I want them to be self-disciplined, I need them to learn self-control rather than how to suppress emotion.

The point is that having long term goals is central to my parenting.

So the most obvious, logical way I can teach my kids to be the kind of adults the world needs is to be that kind of adult myself!  Children learn by watching, listening, imitating.

But that's not enough. Parenting small children means that all day, every day you face a gazillion fights.  I was raised to believe that Christian parents spank, period. It is not violent, it is how we show our children that we love them. And if you don't do it, you are permissive, neglectful and aren't stepping up to the plate. (If any of my friends are curious about spanking in this context, I recommend this article from Focus on the Family.)

There is this idea that as a parent you have to choose one of two extremes: beat* your child into submission or let your child walk all over you.

But extreme assumptions are rarely accurate. To have a peaceful home and cooperative kids, I have to discipline, but I don't have to punish. Discipline is about cooperation and aims to teach the child how to behave. Punishment is about compliance and simply seeks to stop the wrong behavior.

The definition of punishment is to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc. as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault; to handle severely or roughly. When I think of all the faults and transgressions of my life, I am overwhelmed by the mercy of Christ. I have not been subjected to pain, loss, etc, or handled roughly for my wrongdoing. Instead, I've been shown love and grace and have been gently guided toward a safer path. I believe that this is why, when I have spanked my children, I have felt deep in my gut that it was wrong. I was not following the example of the Prince of Peace; I was hitting my own children.** Even if the offense was really bad, even if the desired behavior was worth requiring, it's not the way I should do it. (The emphasis is added because I speak for myself based on my beliefs and experience, not for other parents. I am no expert.)

I've gone back and forth on spanking. I've thought about it from every angle. As a child, I was spanked and I don't feel scarred. It is a highly effective way to get the desired behavior out of a young child for the short term and establish authority over him or her. It was done in a very controlled way in our home, with an explanation /discussion beforehand and a hug afterwords. In choosing to use different methods with my children, I am not pointing a finger at my folks. Parenting is an experiment and they did their best out of love for all of us.

But I am going to take a different path.

This doesn't mean that I have to let my kids walk all over me. It just means that I have to put lots and lots of thought and time and love into coming up with solutions for the constant situations that come up.

Also, I have to just accept that until my children learn self control, we will not be able to go to quiet restaurants or do other such activities that require preschoolers to act like adults.

There are a lot of great discipline options, but this post is long enough. I'll save that for next time.

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*Spanking (by those who practice it) is not considered beating because it is done out of love and never out of anger. "But if it is done right, there are bruises." -someone in whose care I found myself as a child. 

**If you read the article linked above, you will learn that mothers are especially soft-hearted when it comes to inflicting pain on their children. 

Wild

Reporting from the frontline, this was our third and most trying day. The kids were quarrelsome and I was stir-crazy. Kids are not made for indoor living, nor I for domestication or putting away laundry. We ended up playing chase, hide and seek, etc. for the better part of the morning, although we successfully made it through all the school-ish activities outlined yesterday.

I've never wanted to be a homeschool mom. The idea doesn't appeal to me. I think of bad denim dresses and long, frustrating days. It's not exactly the kind of adult life I imagined for myself. So, I'm not one. I just happen to have kids who need to learn some basics and I may as well be useful.

Cooperation Bootcamp Part I :: Introduction

Well, I'm doing something important this week. It is Cooperation Bootcamp. Beatrice has some behavioral issues and there are kinks to be worked out with Ambrose too. Things I've put off for months because I was just too busy with school to be the kind of primary caretaker these kids needed. So we are making up for it with an intensive week to get on track for summer.

What is Cooperation Bootcamp?

It is a week-long program that features a fun, well-planned daily schedule with plenty of opportunities for conflict resolution. The more conflicts we encounter, the more opportunities we have to resolve our issues. My hope is that this week provides enough conflicts and resolutions for us to get a feel for what's going to work longer term.

Beatrice and Ambrose must cooperate with me and trust me. I must be patient with them and practice self-control. My goal is not just to have a peaceful home, but also to have a loving, affectionate home providing a safe, stable environment conducive to learning and long-term honest communication.

Parenting is an experiment. This is my first go-round, but I've been an observer and assistant in a variety of labs. I've seen stuff work and I've seen stuff appear to work only to back-fire later. Or in some cases, not exactly back-fire, but just lead to strained relationships and bitterness for years at a time.

I think it's really important to look at the big picture and long term objectives more than the convenience of the here and now. Yes, it is important to me that my children behave in public and cooperate when I need them to. But it's not as important as my long term relationship with them. Yes, I want them to come when I call and sit and stay and listen to me and respond appropriately and all of that. But it is more important that I lead by example. I'll go into that a bit more in my upcoming post about tactics.

For now, I will give a brief overview of how it's going so far. Our morning schedule looks like this:

breakfast

dress and make beds

chores for me and playtime for them

morning snack

activity time

lunch

I know it looks like snacks and lunch are almost back to back, but activity time packs a punch. We sing songs and say our Bible verse. Then we have a Bible story. (Right now we are focusing on the concept of The Good Shepherd, Ps. 23*) That's a lot of sitting, so we do exercises next. (We can call it exercising even if it is free movement dancing, right?) Next we do our letter sound flash cards and read some stories. The children have a little wooden table in the living room where they get to practice writing letters. Amby is not good at this at all, but he can scribble really well. Then we learn about shapes and numbers using construction paper, scissors and glue. 

This may read like a quintessential homeschool preschool. But it's not as simple as that. We have fun, but we also have conflict. And that's kinda the point. It's really good for me to have this big chunk of time every day where the children have my full attention. No chores, no distractions, lots of coffee in me. We don't answer the phone. We just learn together and get redirected. A lot. (And not just the kids. I have to check in with myself to stay on track and keep my focus!)

Then naps happen. That's when I get a break. I don't do chores. I do my own thing.

After naps, we still have a couple hours before James gets home, so there's time to cuddle on the couch before we start on dinner. Yeah, we start dinner really early so the kids can help. It's slow going, but builds cooperation and hopefully teaches them a bit of the domestic arts.

The rest is pretty standard: dinner, baths, stories, brush teeth, bed by 7:30 or 8. 

Ok, so I have a lot more to say about what's going on around here. I am working on my post on Tactics and another on Biblical Non-Violent Parenting. Shoot me an email through the contact form above if you'd like to pipe in on either of those topics. 

*This led to an interesting conversation today. Bea said she can't be one of Jesus' lambs because she is not white. The lambs are all white in Tomie dePaola's illustrations. I told her that sheep can be brown, beige, black, white, or any color just like people. God made us that way and Jesus loves us just the way we are.