in Just- spring

Today started out drizzly and cold. Not sweatshirt cold, just not the muggy heat you'd expect this time of year. It was all gray and green and urging us to get muddy. So we went to the woods.

We went off trail and the kids played in a shady, muddy creek. Bea wore jeans and water boots, but waded in way past the boot tops. Amby wore jeans and crocs and got fully soaked. I know that wet jeans are miserable. But they aren't as bad as poison ivy. Also, as irrational as it might seem, the more skin that's covered, the less afraid of snakes I tend to be. We didn't see any water moccasins and maybe the precautions were unnecessary, but I'm a careful-ish mama.

We hiked through the woods and saw the mountain laurel in bloom. We found a moss-covered clearing with a crumbling altar off to one side of it. We found a rustic gazebo covered in professions of love. Everything was so idyllic, I could almost hear a Miyazaki-esque soundtrack in my mind's ear.

When we got back to the car, the children were covered in mud. They washed (sort of?) in the river and I stripped them for the ride home. I was so tired, I was sure they would immediately nap. Oh, but it doesn't work that way.

*     *     *

To tie it all up with a nice bow at the end of the day, we started our new bedtime story, Howl's Moving Castle.

Sick Days

The kids started school a few weeks ago. Yes, in the middle of the second half of the school year. We'd been on the waiting list a while. They've been sick on and off all these weeks. It's the first time they've been exposed to germs. I guess their immune systems aren't what they oughta be. I guess I should've nursed them longer.

We were up most of last night. It was messy and noisy and adorable, as illustrated by these truly terrible photobooth family selfies. (At one point I needed to take a breather and I left Bea with my laptop. She took about 50 selfies! They are so good. I almost want to get her a phone just so she can have her own instagram. But not.)

There are two built-in beds in this room. Bea "slept" in one and Amby was in the other. I started out with Amby. There was a strange moment in the night when I realized that the extremely comfortable warmth was also wet. And it took me a beat or so to decide to get out of it. 

Re-Dedication

You know that Southern Baptist tradition of re-dedicating yourself to the Lord? I'm bringing it home. Bedtime has been rough. Meals have been rough. Getting the kids to play without fighting constantly has been impossible. And I've been busy with other things.

But I'm re-dedicating myself to the children. To my role as their mother. To adjusting my priorities.

I've already started. I read to them more, practice patience, try to be more intentional in all our daily activities. Etcetera, etcetera.

My gosh, this lot is a hard one! This may be a bad time to try to cut back on the vino.

Going to Visit the Doctor

OK, so my kids don't go to the doctor. Sure if something is definitely, totally wrong they do. But not well checks. They are healthy. I read about childhood health and development and I practice homeopathic remedies as needed. And since we are not vaccinating, they don't really need to go in all the time.

But at first they did. I took Bea to her first few check ups, but around the two month mark, they wheeled in the vaccines on a little cart like it was a matter of course, no discussion. I hated the way I was pressured and talked down to and made to feel like an ignorant, neglectful, bad mother for not wanting that for my child. (Nothing against those parents who choose to vaccinate, but my research has led me down a different path than yours and that's ok.)

Anyway, we didn't go back after that.

With Ambrose, it was pretty much the same because the doctors around here who actually see Medicaid patients are not open to parents' decisions for their own children. They just get so rude! I wonder if they really care that deeply about us poor folks or if they miss out on a fat check for each patient that walks out without a shot? I don't want to make this a discussion about vaccines, but I must say there is something wrong with a for-profit pharmaceutical-medical system effecting our babies and I believe 100% that the current vaccine schedule is too much too soon, while acknowledging the possibility that vaccines have been a great help in fighting the likes of polio in previous generations as well as now in far-off places.

What am I leading up to here?

Bea is going to see a doctor. Her first well-check in almost 4 years. We have found a more open-minded doctor and I am interested in meeting him and I'm slightly curious about how Bea fits into percentiles. Also, maybe it would be nice to have a regular doctor to call? We have the 24 hour nurse hotline, but I never call them. For the kinds of emergencies we have, I call poison control. :P

Cooperation Bootcamp Part III :: A Few Tactics

1. What do we do when we don't get our way? Say "OK" and walk away!

Bea's main behavioral issue is responding with anger when she doesn't get her way. She is four years old, so her mouth never, ever stops. I get about 5,000 question hurdled at me every hour. At least. And a lot of those are outrageous requests. She wants to take the orange juice in the bath, for example. Or take the sofa cushions in the backyard to make a boat in the garden. Stuff like that. And she gets really mad, like screaming and turning red mad when I say no. 

So this tactic included a little incentive the first few days. We don't have to use the incentive very much now, but I always keep some goldfish on hand just in case. When I say no, she says "ok" and she walks away. I made up the sing-songy rhyme above and made a game of it. By the second day, she got the idea. (The great thing about 4 year olds is that they really do have something else to walk away to at any given moment.)

2. Control yourself and try again.

The kids have this terrible way of screaming what they want instead of asking politely. They'll scream it over and over waiting to get whatever it is they want. Do all kids go through this? Where do they get it? Not from their parents.

Anyway, I don't respond to screamed or yelled demands. I respond to polite, reasonable requests. So when they do the yelling thing, I quietly say, "Control yourself and try again." And they do.

3. The next tactic is turning around a negative situation by using humour. This is my number one, go-to tactic. I think my main talent in this life is making children laugh. Mine especially. I can make them go from crying in anger and frustration to tears of excited joy in seconds. I love it! This only works if it is done respectfully. I don't want my kids to feel mocked when they are down! After all, I'm on their team!

*helpful hint if you try this at home: know where they keep their tickles.* 

4. Listen.

9 times out of 10 when my kids are fighting or tantrum-ing, it is because of a misunderstanding or miscommunication. The easiest way to solve it is to get down there at eye level and get them to talk through it, be an active listener, repeat it back. Then I explain to them or show them how to solve the issue. 

4. Safe places.

Bea and Am each have places they hide on our house (and yard when we're outside) when they need a quick escape. I like to encourage this. If they didn't run off and cool down, I'd have to put them in "time out" or a "naughty chair" as Supernanny says. I prefer a self-imposed get-away to a safe place. They'll rejoin the group when they are ready to participate. Of course, if I can tell there are issues we need to discuss, I go to them. But I do not disrespect the sanctity of their safe place. I talk to them from a reasonable distance. (If this feels too new-agey or politically correct, don't use it. But it works for us. So.)

5. Picking Battles.

This means that I have to really examine myself and see if what I am expecting or requiring is necessary. Sometimes, I have to just be real with myself and check my expectations at the door baby gate. I read a helpful blog post about dividing your activities between stuff you can reasonably do when the kids are up and stuff you have to save for naps. When I actually do this, things go a lot smoother.

6. Hugging.

Sometimes when the kids lose it, I lose it too. Nothing can push me over the edge like the incessant screams of my own children. And when I feel my blood rising, it is so much better to just stop whatever we are doing and cuddle on the couch until we all cool down. It works really, really well.

When not to use this: If the child does not want to be touched, I respect that.

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These are the main things I use. But I also use a lot of the stuff on this list. It's better to link you to it than be redundant. I recommend bookmarking that. 

So there is another parent in our house and he has his own set of useful tactics. I'll try to get him to do a post here. 

If you have more tips to recommend, PLEASE SHARE! 

Cooperation Bootcamp Part II :: Biblical Non-Violent Parenting

"Train up a child in the way he should go: 

and when he is old he will not depart from it." 

Proverb 22:6

I think about this verse a lot. And when I do, I think about what kind of adults I hope my children will be someday. I want them to be independent (so they don't rely on any crutch– including me!), self-disciplined (so they are able to accomplish anything they set their minds to), cooperative (so they function well with others and know how to communicate effectively and compassionately) and non-violent (so they practice the humility and grace of Christ in all their relationships).

When I think of these values, the daily struggles look a little different. Obedience and submission aren't as important as they may seem in the moment (say, in the grocery store or when my mama pops by and the kids become hellions).

In fact, raising them to be submissive and obedient could very well undermine my higher purpose! If I want them to be independent and cooperative, it would be silly to train them to accept authority unquestioningly (for the record, I haven't found this to lead to robot adults, just to rebellious teens and later pathless adults). If I want them to be self-disciplined, I need them to learn self-control rather than how to suppress emotion.

The point is that having long term goals is central to my parenting.

So the most obvious, logical way I can teach my kids to be the kind of adults the world needs is to be that kind of adult myself!  Children learn by watching, listening, imitating.

But that's not enough. Parenting small children means that all day, every day you face a gazillion fights.  I was raised to believe that Christian parents spank, period. It is not violent, it is how we show our children that we love them. And if you don't do it, you are permissive, neglectful and aren't stepping up to the plate. (If any of my friends are curious about spanking in this context, I recommend this article from Focus on the Family.)

There is this idea that as a parent you have to choose one of two extremes: beat* your child into submission or let your child walk all over you.

But extreme assumptions are rarely accurate. To have a peaceful home and cooperative kids, I have to discipline, but I don't have to punish. Discipline is about cooperation and aims to teach the child how to behave. Punishment is about compliance and simply seeks to stop the wrong behavior.

The definition of punishment is to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc. as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault; to handle severely or roughly. When I think of all the faults and transgressions of my life, I am overwhelmed by the mercy of Christ. I have not been subjected to pain, loss, etc, or handled roughly for my wrongdoing. Instead, I've been shown love and grace and have been gently guided toward a safer path. I believe that this is why, when I have spanked my children, I have felt deep in my gut that it was wrong. I was not following the example of the Prince of Peace; I was hitting my own children.** Even if the offense was really bad, even if the desired behavior was worth requiring, it's not the way I should do it. (The emphasis is added because I speak for myself based on my beliefs and experience, not for other parents. I am no expert.)

I've gone back and forth on spanking. I've thought about it from every angle. As a child, I was spanked and I don't feel scarred. It is a highly effective way to get the desired behavior out of a young child for the short term and establish authority over him or her. It was done in a very controlled way in our home, with an explanation /discussion beforehand and a hug afterwords. In choosing to use different methods with my children, I am not pointing a finger at my folks. Parenting is an experiment and they did their best out of love for all of us.

But I am going to take a different path.

This doesn't mean that I have to let my kids walk all over me. It just means that I have to put lots and lots of thought and time and love into coming up with solutions for the constant situations that come up.

Also, I have to just accept that until my children learn self control, we will not be able to go to quiet restaurants or do other such activities that require preschoolers to act like adults.

There are a lot of great discipline options, but this post is long enough. I'll save that for next time.

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*Spanking (by those who practice it) is not considered beating because it is done out of love and never out of anger. "But if it is done right, there are bruises." -someone in whose care I found myself as a child. 

**If you read the article linked above, you will learn that mothers are especially soft-hearted when it comes to inflicting pain on their children. 

Cooperation Bootcamp Part I :: Introduction

Well, I'm doing something important this week. It is Cooperation Bootcamp. Beatrice has some behavioral issues and there are kinks to be worked out with Ambrose too. Things I've put off for months because I was just too busy with school to be the kind of primary caretaker these kids needed. So we are making up for it with an intensive week to get on track for summer.

What is Cooperation Bootcamp?

It is a week-long program that features a fun, well-planned daily schedule with plenty of opportunities for conflict resolution. The more conflicts we encounter, the more opportunities we have to resolve our issues. My hope is that this week provides enough conflicts and resolutions for us to get a feel for what's going to work longer term.

Beatrice and Ambrose must cooperate with me and trust me. I must be patient with them and practice self-control. My goal is not just to have a peaceful home, but also to have a loving, affectionate home providing a safe, stable environment conducive to learning and long-term honest communication.

Parenting is an experiment. This is my first go-round, but I've been an observer and assistant in a variety of labs. I've seen stuff work and I've seen stuff appear to work only to back-fire later. Or in some cases, not exactly back-fire, but just lead to strained relationships and bitterness for years at a time.

I think it's really important to look at the big picture and long term objectives more than the convenience of the here and now. Yes, it is important to me that my children behave in public and cooperate when I need them to. But it's not as important as my long term relationship with them. Yes, I want them to come when I call and sit and stay and listen to me and respond appropriately and all of that. But it is more important that I lead by example. I'll go into that a bit more in my upcoming post about tactics.

For now, I will give a brief overview of how it's going so far. Our morning schedule looks like this:

breakfast

dress and make beds

chores for me and playtime for them

morning snack

activity time

lunch

I know it looks like snacks and lunch are almost back to back, but activity time packs a punch. We sing songs and say our Bible verse. Then we have a Bible story. (Right now we are focusing on the concept of The Good Shepherd, Ps. 23*) That's a lot of sitting, so we do exercises next. (We can call it exercising even if it is free movement dancing, right?) Next we do our letter sound flash cards and read some stories. The children have a little wooden table in the living room where they get to practice writing letters. Amby is not good at this at all, but he can scribble really well. Then we learn about shapes and numbers using construction paper, scissors and glue. 

This may read like a quintessential homeschool preschool. But it's not as simple as that. We have fun, but we also have conflict. And that's kinda the point. It's really good for me to have this big chunk of time every day where the children have my full attention. No chores, no distractions, lots of coffee in me. We don't answer the phone. We just learn together and get redirected. A lot. (And not just the kids. I have to check in with myself to stay on track and keep my focus!)

Then naps happen. That's when I get a break. I don't do chores. I do my own thing.

After naps, we still have a couple hours before James gets home, so there's time to cuddle on the couch before we start on dinner. Yeah, we start dinner really early so the kids can help. It's slow going, but builds cooperation and hopefully teaches them a bit of the domestic arts.

The rest is pretty standard: dinner, baths, stories, brush teeth, bed by 7:30 or 8. 

Ok, so I have a lot more to say about what's going on around here. I am working on my post on Tactics and another on Biblical Non-Violent Parenting. Shoot me an email through the contact form above if you'd like to pipe in on either of those topics. 

*This led to an interesting conversation today. Bea said she can't be one of Jesus' lambs because she is not white. The lambs are all white in Tomie dePaola's illustrations. I told her that sheep can be brown, beige, black, white, or any color just like people. God made us that way and Jesus loves us just the way we are. 

Rinse and Repeat

///reposting after a year and a half because today I need a reminder///

I'm always a bit amazed when I go out with my kids at the looks I get from other adults. Looks that say, "Must suck to be her." I guess because having two little kids can be pretty intense and high volume and, I admit, at times hectic.

My kids are not the stand still and hold onto the buggy in silence while I shop kind. They sing and they dance and they point out every sparkly thing they see and Beatrice always asks me to look at this and that the whole time and she gets away every chance she gets!

But to me? This is not a problem. This is what I asked for. My children are not mistakes. It wasn't oops, I guess we're having a kid now. Nope, James and I planned it. We were trying- both times. We wanted this. The messes, the noise, the poop, the cuddles, the sticky faces and hands, sometimes having to buy a snow globe because someone threw it out of the buggy when we were still in the store, the endless trips to Target for diapers and formula, tiny people between us in bed, baby clothes everywhere. All of it.

This is not the time in my life for leisurely shopping in the peace and quiet. This is a time for singing Waltzing Matilda on repeat and reading Dr Seuss. This is the time for crumbs in the backseat. For crayon marks on the walls.

Mamahood

My friend Lucy shared this great article about becoming a mother. It rang true. If you are expecting or have kids or wonder what a lady goes through, read it. I've never read such an accurate description of those feelings of isolation and identity loss.

But, as the gays say, it gets better. Now that I've been a mama for almost four years, I'm starting to get my sea legs and I have a clearer idea of who I am. And now that I have children to raise, I have more motivation than ever to be that person.

Mama-mode

Weekends are busier than weekdays for me, but I'm ok with that. Time is flying super fast with so, so much to do and I certainly don't want to look back and feel that I missed important moments. But, boy, am I ready to get through with school already! I want it to go by at a nice clip like this, full speed to graduation! 

Most of my days are spend with long stretches of not thinking about school at all because I am in mama-mode 100%. If I get distracted by thoughts of school or -heaven forbid- try to work on school, the kids pick up immediately that I am disconnected from them. And then they act out. 

But if they get my full attention, it's smooth sailing. Like today, so far. They are learning constantly and it is mostly because James and I take the time to answer all the many questions. "Mama, talk about tornadoes." I hear that about 15 times a day. (I was going to say a hundred, but 15 is the literal average.) Mama-mode time is mostly spent sitting at eye level with Bea or Am a foot or less away from my face intently explaining all kinds of things about our world and partly spent teaching them how to do chores. 

(Having chore help was definitely a factor in deciding to have kids!)

It's funny to think about all my friends at school* who think they really know me, but haven't seen even a glimpse of who I am as a mom, who I am primarily.

*excluding Beth of course

On Being OK

Yesterday was a really challenging day with the kids. Jeez. Sometimes there is just about as much fussing and whining as one girl can take! I remember fighting a lot with my siblings as a kid and I remember it kind of driving Mama crazy. Now I am in her shoes (except with only a fraction of the young'uns) and I appreciate her patience with us. I could have been more patient yesterday. But, you know what? We got through it. And we made apple chips to boot. So, not a total fail, right?

Gross

So tonight? I put my kids to bed and within a quarter of an hour, we were all back up, one in the bath, in a house completely covered in vomit. Projectile. This is what it is like to have kids. My son is not sick. He is happy and healthy. And sometimes he puts something disgusting in his mouth and later voids it. All over my sofa and rug and self. So I clean it up and move on. 

Crayon Marks on the Wall

I'm always a bit amazed when I go out with my kids at the looks I get from other adults. Looks that say, "Must suck to be her." I guess because having two little kids can be pretty intense and high volume and, I admit, at times hectic.

My kids are not the stand still and hold onto the buggy in silence while I shop kind. They sing and they dance and they point out every sparkly thing they see and Beatrice always asks me to look at this and that the whole time and she gets away every chance she gets!

But to me? This is not a problem. This is what I asked for. My children are not mistakes. It wasn't oops, I guess we're having a kid now. Nope, James and I planned it. We were trying- both times. We wanted this. The messes, the noise, the poop, the cuddles, the sticky faces and hands, sometimes having to buy a snow globe because someone threw it out of the buggy when we were still in the store, the endless trips to Target for diapers and formula, tiny people between us in bed, baby clothes everywhere. All of it.

This is not the time in my life for leisurely shopping in the peace and quiet. This is a time for singing Waltzing Matilda on repeat and reading Dr Seuss. This is the time for crumbs in the backseat. For crayon marks on the walls.

Good Morning, Beautifuls!

Our Morning:

7:30 get up and sneak into the kitchen to start the coffee. Go pick up an adorable boy who is making sweet noises. Open Bea's door to find her emerging from under her quilt. Sing "good morning to you" and change diapers and cuddle.

7:45 Curl up on the couch with a book and a cup of coffee while the kiddos play together on the floor. Give them breakfast once I have ingested a sufficient amount of caffeine. 

8:00 Tidy up the outer rooms, make beds, get dressed. Pick out a few toys, fill a basin with water and head outside to play before it gets too hot! Play until we are muddy, wet messes.

8:45 Come inside and stick Bea in the bath, rinse Am in the sink and put on fresh diapers.

9:00 Snack time for kids while I clean the kitchen.

9:20 Bottle Am and talk to Bea while she plays. Read her a story or two.

9:30 Nap time!!

11:00 Wake up time and change those dipes again. Clean the nursery (with the door closed because the drier is running and it is super loud), stopping to read books whenever Beatrice asks.

11:30 We all go into the kitchen for lunch. Bea has a plate of cheese, black olives and a ham-tortilla-wrap.

Am has something green that he thinks is a drink.

 Then I catch Am trying to booze it up. Too bad the bottle is capped and empty.

12:00 Wash everybody up and put fresh clothes on-- We made it through the morning!

Raising a Person

Being responsible for shaping a person is not a task to take lightly. James and I have done a lot of talking and adapting these past two years, especially now that there are two and one of them is a "terrible" two.

And by terrible I mean incredibly curious, adventurous and silly.

I always thought that as a mom my directive during these early years would be to make my child do whatever I told her to do, immediately, not touch off-limits things and hush when appropriate. If Beatrice behaved that way, my life would certainly be easier (after a few weeks or months of intensive discipline).

However, her life would be full of confusion and frustration.

If I tell her to do something that doesn't make sense to her, she challenges me. Not because she is rebellious, but because she is confused. She gets mad because why can't she have this or that? Why does she have to wait? Why can't she be in that room? (etc.)

I used to think this was the time to MAKE her obey me. I'm the boss, like it or not. My word is law and I don't have to answer to you. You don't get a say, you just obey. Or suffer the consequences.

Totally don't think this way any more. Sure, our new method may make it harder for other people to babysit. It may be a little longer before we can have quiet trips to the library or long conversations at the family dinner table.

Here's how it works: I don't make her do anything that is simply for my convenience, but for her safety or the safety of our family or home. It means that if she has a problem with something I require of her, I take the time to get down on the floor, eye to eye, and explain my reason for my demand.

It really does take some thought on my part. It is less convenient. But she understands me so much better and we actually are on the same page much more now.

I have an example from today of a time I was distracted and she got something off-limits. Here's how I dealt with it:

I was busy in the other room and I heard Beatrice say "Mama, I play with this camera." I ran to see what she had gotten. It was my dad's super old camera. The one I use for decoration on a bookshelf. I didn't know she could reach that high!

Anyway, she ran off, as she always does when she has a no-no in her hands. But instead of running after her and taking it away and instead of shouting for her to "comehererightnow," I said, "Hey, Bea, wanna see how it works? I'll show you."

She immediately came back and handed it to me. Then I showed her how the top part opens and you see through the window. She loved it!! But I told her it is very old and very special to Papa. It's not a toy and it goes on the shelf where it is safe. Will you put it up there? Yep.

I know I still have a whole lot of learning to do. I don't mean to come across like I think I have it all figured out, but this is a pretty big parenting re-direct for me. We are trying to do what is best for her in the long run rather than what is easier for us right now.

Hello Monday

So there was a good deal of screaming last night for no apparent reason. This is part of having kids. One screams, inexplicably. You get them to finally hush, but by then the other is screaming. Bottles. Hugs. Lullabies.

Beatrice always wants to sit with us on the couch when she wakes up in the night. What makes it particularly hard is that she calls it "home." She'll say, "Bea-Bea go home. Mama, take Bea-Bea home." Why do they have to be so sweet when it is sleepy-time??

Now it is the next day and they have all the energy in the world. Beatrice is shouting, "AMbrose! BEAbrose!" She saw the picture above and said, "Amby make face. On Trixie bed." She likes to call herself Trixie sometimes...

Once naptime rolls around, there will be no washing of dishes or folding of laundry. There will be a nice long shower and a fresh nail color. I'm thinking Barbie Pink...

Turn It On Around, Mama

Sometimes being a mama gets overwhelming. There's so much going on and the constant interruptions when I'm trying to get a thing done and somebody needing me. I feel worn out by 9am. And the first nap isn't until 9:30! Well, I was definitely feeling like that today.

Beatrice has reached a very challenging stage. Sometimes I think she is testing every boundary to see how far she can push me. But mostly, I think she is just really wonderstruck by this crazy, huge world that is new to her in almost every way.

There are so many things she doesn't understand yet and so she gets in trouble for not even realizing what she did was wrong. (For example, I'll put Ambrose on the floor and a few minutes later I might move him from sitting to lying on his tummy so he can get around. All she knows is that he got moved by a bigger person. So why can't she just knock him around any old way she might want him to be?)

So the day was going fussily along and I was ready to sell at least one kid. But I took a step back and decided to turn the day around. I stuck Bea in the bath (her favorite place, and good thing because she always needs one) and Ambrose in his excersaucer.

I moved furniture and folded/put away/organized laundry. I sang and made my babies laugh. I read them stories and cuddled them. I chased them and tickled them. Then, I gave them naps.

While they were napping, I found this inspiring blog post and decided that when Daddy got home and after dinner, we would go downtown to play in the fountains. We did it and it was so much fun. I think we will go all summer long! Came home and barely had time to get them out of the bath and jammified before they were long gone to dream-land.

Tired as I was by 8pm, this mama still forced her butt to the gym. Because now that my beautiful yellow swimsuit is here? I'm going to be a more dedicated gym member. At least for the butt machines.

Listing

This week I have felt pretty hemmed in. I've been stranded because we have one car and James usually drives it to work. The kids and I have plenty to do, but sometimes all the activities run together in the endless-endless of mamahood.

But today was better. I made a list. I get so much more done and end the day with a sense of accomplishment when I go by a list. And I find that I do a lot more than I set out to do because a schedule makes time. Out of thin air.

My list had some revisions through the day, but it basically went like this:

I got a bit side-tracked in the afternoon when Lucy and Isobel came over. They saw that I only had 1 chapter left in the last HP book and offered to watch the kids while I got through. I needed that! AND Isobel made cookies!!

As always, there were random chunks of time throughout the day when I was on the floor being silly with my babies. :)